I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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