Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
