He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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