I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
