I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
