I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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