this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So apparently I’m into choking now
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