The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
