I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize