my soul wont recognize me after tonight
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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