I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
