Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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