oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
