You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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