I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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