The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
