I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
