So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
