I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
