Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
