Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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