We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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