he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
