I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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