I want to have your abortion
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
