Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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