I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
