theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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