When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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