her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
