grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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