Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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