I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
