Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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