he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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