I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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