You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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