dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize