So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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