i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You've changed since you got that strap on
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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