I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
