Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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