this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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