I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
