Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
