I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
