Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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