Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
