Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
