just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
