My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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