My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
