hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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