I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
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