Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
