Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
