Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize