remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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