so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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