my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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