high people should be assigned attendants
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize